Guilt, Sadness and loss
by Blood thirsty animal
Summary: A shot exploring Merlin's feelings after the death of his father. Balinor.


**_((hey this is a one shot that i wanted to write, please please tell me what you think and if i captured his grief alright.))_**

The feeling that crashed over his body was one of guilt, sadness and loss.

The great dragon was defeated and the kingdom through the peril stood tall unlike Merlin's heart, it had taken yet another blow, one that left his heart shattered, yet he could tell no one, not even Giaus understood how he was feeling, why at that very moment where Uther stood tall and laughed in the face of the dead dragonlord, why he wanted to run away, flee to the hills, somewhere he could live in piece with the broken feeling he felt.

Yet that could never happen, he had nowhere to go and doubted that Arthur would ever let him leave. The prat of a prince who never let Merlin truly feel, it was chores this and stupid never got anytime to feel.

He just wanted to break down at least once without someone trying to find him and take him back to the castle where they could bombard him with questions about why he was crying.

Not even his room was a safe place anymore, Arthur had seemed to make it his duty to be allowed anywhere without knocking which made Merlin's life a whole lot more difficult when spell learning came into it, now if he wanted to train he had to go out into the forest at night and create a barrier between himself and the world so no one would see what he could do.

As night casted it's shadow on the world the young warlock found himself in the clearing not to far away from the castle, the memories from the night before invading his mind, the dragonlord power seeping through his bones until he was tapping into its raw power and controlling the dragon in front of him, at that very moment he could feel his father and for once in his life he could say that sheer joy was something that he was experiencing and he wanted to feel it again, feel close to his dead father, make him be proud to call himself the son of Balinor.

His eyes felt wet as he stood there just thinking to himself about his dead father, how long had he known him for? A day? Yes a day.

He closed his eyes to stop the wetness from falling and felt his legs moving, he opened his eyes to see that he was walking into the forest away from Camelot, he didn't even know where he was going, his body felt numb, not his own in any way.

It took half the night for Merlin to reach his unknown destination which was the place where Arthur, Balinor and him had camped, where his father had sacrificed himself to save Merlin, where Merlin felt guilt, sadness and loss.

Why did his father have to die? Why did so many people have to die for him to for fill his destiny?

He felt his legs slowly give way and he was on the floor curled up in some leaves just looking into the forest in front of him, hearing the rustle of leaves and the sound of creatures on the floor, calls of owls and many other sounds, it was just him and he was alone like he would be for the rest of his life, he had his mother but he couldn't tell her what had happened, it would destroy her and he couldn't have her feeling the way he did right now.

He just wanted the world to swallow him up, for his life to be useless.

Merlin closed his eyes a sliver of tear ran from his tear ducts, how could he show so much grief for a man that he had spent half a day with? Cold air rushed over his body making him shiver, with a golden flash a warm feeling entered his body and he felt a sad smile tug at his lips.

Eventually he saw the sun begin to rise indicating that he had spent most of the night in the spot where guilt, grief and sadness burdened him and he felt his aching muscles protest as he stood up and moved away from the territory that did not belong to the castle that he worked for.

It was well over midday when he made it back and he bit his lip where he stood in the middle of the square, looking around the castle that would never hold his father, would never know the extent of his grief, would never be his home. Somewhere far off in the distance he heard the Prince scream his name, he wiped his red eyes and gave a sigh as he left the persona that was his grief behind and made his way to work, swallowing his emotions as he went.


End file.
